


Only the Cis Deal in Absolutes

by sgt_fuckybarnes



Series: Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Gen, Star Wars References, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, nonbinary Natasha Romanov, trans woman bucky, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 02:43:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9102928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sgt_fuckybarnes/pseuds/sgt_fuckybarnes
Summary: “You want to teach me.” Bucky repeated. “About being an invert.”“Well...that’s not the word I’d use, but yes.” she replied.“I hope you don’t intend to teach me the way I taught you.” he said skeptically. Natasha laughed.“No, not like that. Gentler, maybe. I just want you to feel comfortable. I want you to be who you are.”Bucky paused.“Like Obi-Wan Kenobi.” he offered, smiling up at Natasha, like he was proud of the analogy. She laughed.“Exactly. Like Obi-Wan Kenobi."In which Natasha is Bucky's Trans Life Coach and they bond over Star Wars





	

The first time Natasha met Bucky properly, it was in a run-down old apartment in Brooklyn Heights, one year and three days after what the media dubbed the ‘Avenger’s Civil War’. He was weary, and she couldn’t blame him. Natasha, too, was hesitant. Steve gave them both an encouraging nod, oozing that kicked puppy appeal that made him so damn impossible to say no to. Natasha took a step forward and offered her hand out for Bucky to shake. He flinched, so minute a movement that no one else would have caught it. But Natasha was trained by the best. Bucky shook her hand after a moment, and she noted how clean and pristine his nails were. It was impressive, considering the way he’d been living lately.  
“It’s nice to finally meet you, James.” she said. Barnes flinched again, this time noticeably. Natasha hesitated for a moment. What had she done wrong? 

“Bucky.” he murmured, after a few seconds of awkward silence. “You should call me Bucky.” 

“Would you like it better if I called you Bucky?” she asked carefully.

Natasha remembered, when she first defected from The Red Room, how much effort Clint had put into asking her opinion on everything. Teaching her it was okay to be an individual. It was okay to want things. Bucky nodded, and she considered it a win. 

“Well okay then, Bucky. I...I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. For what was done to you. For what I had a hand in doing to you.” she said. Steve began to slowly back away, like he sensed that this conversation was not meant for him. She was grateful for that. Bucky snorted derisively. 

“I feel like I should be saying the same to you. Natalia Alianovna.” 

She stiffened. 

“I should have known you remembered more than you let on.” It was just like her old teacher, pulling one last trick on her. One last test to keep her on her toes. 

“I’m sorry. For...not telling you before.” he said awkwardly. 

“Were you testing me?” Natasha asked him.

He furrowed his brows, tucking some of his silky dark hair behind his ears. Natasha recalled the days when the Soldier would sit with the girls and braid their hair, while they had nails driven into their palms to test their endurance under torture. 

“No. I just don’t want to be your teacher anymore. Your teacher did horrible things. Dwelling on our old memories won’t change that.” 

“Maybe so. But he was also a friend.” 

Bucky grimaced in response. 

“You practically raised me, Barnes. Not all of it was bad.” she argued. She could see the gears turning in his head. 

“Let me braid your hair.” Natasha said. The idea occurred to her suddenly, but she thought it might bring Bucky some comfort. He used to braid her hair, back in the Red Room, whenever she was upset. 

His grey eyes widened, and he seemed momentarily confused. She hadn’t expected the reaction out of him. He looked almost...afraid. 

“Why would you want to do that?” he asked her. She shrugged. 

“It used to calm me down, when I was younger. You did that for me. I wanted to return the favor.”

He seemed to relax, with that reasoning. 

“Okay. Alright, braid my hair.” he decided. Natasha flashed him a smile, beckoning him to the second hand couch lying crookedly in the middle of the room. Bucky sat down on it silently. 

“Face the wall.” she instructed him.

He turned, so that he was looking over the couch arm at the light grey wall. Natasha moved forward, carding her fingers through his hair. It was soft, well taken care of. She wondered briefly what conditioner he used. Bucky tipped his head back ever so slightly, his eyes never leaving the wall. 

“Your hair is nice.” she murmured. His lips twitched into a reluctant smile. After a moment he seemed to realize something, a frown flitting across his features. 

“Is Steve still here?”

His voice was laced with obvious worry, like he was afraid of being caught. Like they were doing something wrong. Natasha began to french braid his hair, responding as calmly as she could to the jittery ex-assassin. 

“He’s in his bedroom. You don’t have to worry about him.” Natasha promised, her nimble fingers tightening the braid is Bucky’s hair. He seemed to relax, beneath Natasha’s fingers. Her eyes fluttered shut, relying on instinct alone to guide her hands.

“This feels kinda nice.” Barnes admitted, voice shaking.

Natasha felt like, despite being apart of this moment, she was intruding on something. Intruding on Bucky. 

“”You make a pretty good barbie head. I should do this more often...” she said, sliding a hair tie off of her wrist. She tied the end of Bucky’s braid, admiring her work with a self-satisfied smirk. She got up, moving in front of Bucky to study him. She cocked her head to the side. 

“You look better than I do, with the fancy hairstyles.” she observed.

A red flush crawled up Bucky’s neck, into his cheeks. 

“Very funny.” he replied.

He spoke shortly, his voice tight. Natasha could tell she upset him. 

“No, no really. Look.” she assured him. Natasha offered her hand out once again, this time palm up. Bucky took her hand, rising from the couch. She led him into the bathroom, turning him towards the large mirror above the sink. 

“Look at that.” she ordered.

Bucky shied away from his reflection, his eyes trained on the bathroom tile. 

“Nat, it’s fine. I appreciate the braid, alright? It was relaxing. And my hair’s not in my eyes anymore.” he admitted. “But I don’t want you to go out for your way, just to make me feel better.” he dismissed. Natasha decided it was best to change the subject. 

“Have you ever had your hair braided before? It’s really soft now, fun to play with. I’m surprised everyone doesn’t do it…”

Bucky thought for a moment. 

“When I was eight...and my little sister was five, she was growing her hair out…” Bucky began. “Down past her shoulders, like the other girls in her class had it. So Ma put it up in braids. So it wouldn’t get in her face, or get all tangled up.” he explained. 

Natasha didn’t know is he wanted her to respond or not. She decided simply to listen in silence. Sometimes, all you need is someone who can listen. 

“And I was really upset. I wanted braids like hers. They were so pretty. So soft. I asked Ma if I could grow my hair like Becca’s, so I could have pretty hair braids.” 

Natasha’s eyes widened slightly. She thought about how meticulously Bucky must have taken care of his hair, to make it as nice and soft as it was. Clearly his desire for nice hair hadn’t faded over time. 

“What did your mother say?” she asked quietly. Natasha was afraid of the answer, knowing full well how non-conformity was treated back when Bucky was a child. Natasha herself had grown up in the 1940’s, and her own insistence on taping down her breasts had gotten her in a lot of trouble within the Red Room.  
Bucky swallowed thickly, playing with the fraying hem of his shirt. 

“I didn’t understand that there was a difference. Between me and Becca. My ma had to explain it to me. Whacked me with a belt a few times. She told me she didn’t risk everything to come to America so I could ruin it all. So I could...get myself killed. For being an invert.” 

Natasha swore under her breath in Russian. 

“I’m sorry, Bucky.” she said gently. Bucky scoffed. 

“It’s fine, ‘Talia. I got my revenge anyways. I cut my Ma and my sisters’ braids off while they were sleeping.” he muttered, turning around to smirk at her. Natasha couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Of course you did.” she said, rolling her eyes. 

There was silence for a moment, as Bucky stared at himself in the mirror. He looked completely fixated on himself, rubbing at his jaw with his metal arm as he studied himself. He grimaced at the mirror, moving to stroke his hair. 

“I like it.” he said quietly. “The braid. It’s like…” he frowned, struggling to explain. 

“You don’t have to tell me. Not if you don’t want to.” Natasha told him. He shook his head. 

“I don’t mind if you know. I just can’t...figure out the words.” he explained. “I just like it. It makes me feel nice inside.” he said simply. Natasha smiled, a tentative theory forming in her mind. 

“Bucky…” she began quietly. She couldn’t find the words either. She wasn’t sure how to approach the topic, especially with someone who’d grown up in Bucky’s time. Bucky looked up at her from the mirror, the reflection of his grey eyes boring into hers.

“You said you didn’t know there was a difference between you and Rebecca.” she said. She could see the fear in Bucky’s eyes. 

“When you were that age. Eight. Did you...know what that means?” she asked carefully. Bucky shook his head. She could have guessed as much. 

“Do you know now?” Natasha asked. She tried to lower her voice, make herself sound gentle, and reassuring. She remembered vividly her own experiences with the matter, how lost she’d felt. 

“I...I don’t know. I think...maybe. But I’m not sure. I don’t know anything about...any of this.” Bucky admitted. 

Natasha hopped up onto the bathroom counter, looking Bucky in the eyes. 

“I could help you. Teach you about all of this.” she offered. Bucky looked at her in confusion. 

“How do you…?”

“Know about it?” she asked. Bucky nodded silently. 

Natasha thought for a minute about how to explain herself to Bucky. She wasn’t sure she wanted to, if she was completely honest. She’d never been this vulnerable with anyone before, not even Clint. She felt like she was taking a personal and important piece of her and giving it to Bucky, as if she were cutting off a hunk of her skin. 

“I’m not what they wanted me to be, Bucky.” she said. “I’m not... a vixen. Or a seductress. Sometimes, I’m not even a Black Widow.” 

“Then who are you?”

“My name is Nat. And I’m just a person. I’m not a woman, or a man. I’m…” she trailed off. 

“An enigma.” Bucky stated. Nat almost laughed at that. 

“I’m an enigma. I like to be called she. But I don’t like any of the expectations that comes with it. I don’t like the dresses, and the eyeliner, and the bras. I don’t like the mold I was created in. So I became someone new.”

“You’re not...a woman?” Bucky asked hesitantly. 

“Nope.”

“And...you’re not a man.” 

Natasha shook her head. “Not hardly. Although I like to consider myself a more masculine person. Most of the time.”

“And...you think that’s what I am?” he asked. 

“No. I don’t know what you are. I just think you’re having trouble figuring it out. And that maybe I could help you.” 

Bucky was silent for a moment, like he was thinking over her offer. Natasha waited patiently. 

“Why are you doing this?” he asked, finally. 

“Do you...not want me to?” she asked. 

“I don’t know. I guess. I’m afraid the more I indulge myself, the more tangled up I’ll become. Back in my time...things weren’t this hard. I knew what I was supposed to do. And it hurt, but...it was alright. Now everything’s all blurry. I don’t know how much I can get away with.” he said.

Natasha took a deep breath. 

“Bucky, you can be whatever you want to. And if anyone objects, you can kill them. Probably with both hands tied behind your back.” she pointed out. Bucky’s lip twitched, like he wanted to smile. 

“I want to help you. You were my teacher, once. My mentor. I could be that, to you. We’ll go slow. And we can stop if you’re uncomfortable, of course, but...I really think you’d be happier if we do.” 

“You want to teach me.” Bucky repeated. “About being an invert.” 

“Well...that’s not the word I’d use, but yes.” she replied. 

“I hope you don’t intend to teach me the way I taught you.” he said skeptically. Natasha laughed. 

“No, not like that. Gentler, maybe. I just want you to feel comfortable. I want you to be who you are.” 

Bucky paused. 

“Like Obi-Wan Kenobi.” he offered, smiling up at Natasha, like he was proud of the analogy. She laughed. 

“Exactly. Like Obi-Wan Kenobi. I didn’t know you were a Star Wars fan, Bucky.” Nat said.

He cracked a smile, hopping up on the counter next to her. 

“I like space. Science fiction. All that stuff. Hell, I spent my last night in America trying to see a flying car.” he admitted. 

Natasha affectionately bumped his shoulder with hers. 

“Well in that case, may the force be with you.” she replied. Bucky smiled. 

“May the force be with you.” he replied seriously. Natasha snorted, biting her lip to smother laughter. 

For some reason, Bucky started laughing to. Natasha was guessing it was just the stress of the situation. They sat on the bathroom counter giggling like schoolgirls until a confused Steve cracked open the door. 

“I feel like I missed something.” he said, raising an eyebrow at them both.

They immediately sobered up. Natasha cleared her throat, getting off the bathroom counter.

Her laughter had died out, but she regretted the moment of vulnerability. Steve was looking at Bucky sadly. Natasha guessed that he didn’t laugh much. 

She brushed off her clothes, giving Bucky an apologetic smile. 

“How about we pick this up tomorrow? I’ll email you some articles you should read, but you shouldn’t rush it.” 

Bucky nodded silently, sliding off of the counter as well. Natasha took a step forward, intending to shake his hand, but Bucky pulled her into a tight hug. 

“Сила будет с вами.” she muttered into his ear. He snorted, shoving her away. 

“Yeah, yeah. You too, nerd.” 

She stuck her tongue out at him as she left. Bucky flipped her off in response, following behind her to shut the apartment door.


End file.
